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Talk:Brick
This is why kids, don't read too much creepypasta. SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH...Blaziquaza 06:08, December 16, 2011 (UTC) Mind = Blown Cornflowerofredwall 06:16, December 16, 2011 (UTC) It was one of the better ones i have read 8/10 Nelfen 07:16, December 16, 2011 (UTC) *headroll*... so awesome! Mr.Zalgopasta 21:06, December 17, 2011 (UTC) Om nom nom, tasty pasta. Furbearingbrick 12:26, February 15, 2012 (UTC) There's some points I'd like to go over: First, the transition from the narrator telling us about Zoe and her life to diary strikes me as odd; I'm not sure if this is a bad choice so much as one that I don't see very often. But what I can tell you is that although I ''like ''the way it's written, the infodump at the beginning takes away from the story by essentially shoveling its plot details into the readers' mouths as soon as they start. You should focus on getting the details to the readers slowly, building up their knowledge of what's going on as more and more of the story goes by, primarily to retain their interest. Second, the ending. I had expected something much more interesting or suprising then what amounted to "LOL you're terrible parents". Yes, I can understand that IRL it would have been really horrifying regardless; I understand that this creature is an evil asshole that, from this ending, seems to enjoy tormenting the parents. But for the readers, the message needs to have ''oomph. ''Being told something that we already read about or felt is a dumb way to end the story. If Blah Blahson foiled Evil Evilman's plot and then it was later written "Blah Blahson stopped Evilman" would you be shocked that it happened? No! You had been aware of it the entire time and the ending hadn't changed your perspective on anything because there was nothing new brought to the table. It doesn't creep us out- there's nothing creepy about being hit in the head with something like that. Now, it may be tempting to say "Oh, but Oblit, you're not only a guy who's seen practically every creepypasta but also a douche!" Yes, I am both; I will never deny this (unless you put cash in my g-string, in which case I'll rattle off more lies than Paul Ryan). But this doesn't excuse a mediocre ending. I feel the need to reiterate that it obviously isn't a totally awful turn; it isn't something out of left field that would make me wonder what you were smoking when writing this, it makes sense for its story. And to be honest, the only reasons I didn't see it coming were because I had just come to this story from a trollpasta and expected something funny or really stupid (ah hell, both too) and having been accustomed to crazy endings; its "we're not going to do anything different or will change the scenario in the slightest bit" was different but not good. I do dig the "What did you think telling people about me would solve?" line. It gives the creature... character? It's an interesting way to look at it and I don't know if I can really sum it all up. Something about it ripping out her organs quickly doesn't seem right to me, it just feels as though it had all the time in the world and it would have taken longer with finishing her off. It almost feels anti-climactic and absurd for something like that, even though that's an awful fate for anyone. I may finish my thoughts on this or bring an end to this; I'm sleepy and I probably didn't get everything that needed to be addressed. Hope this will do for now. For the Third World Man, from the land of creation. Third World Man, from the land of Iration. 08:11, October 2, 2012 (UTC)